


Your voice, reaching through the darkness

by Kjam



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kjam/pseuds/Kjam
Summary: Bucky is riddled with nightmares and flashbacks after being a prisoner of war. The only thing that helps calm down is listening to audiobooks voiced by the mysterious S. Rogers. When he recognizes the voice in a shop will he confront him? Or will his fears get the worst of him?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 69





	Your voice, reaching through the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comment if you liked my fic! It means a lot to me!

_Darkness. Pain, so much pain he wants to die. The floor is hard and cold. He can taste blood in his mouth. Everything hurts. Then the door opens, and he wants to hide, but he can’t move. He knows that this will only mean more pain, and he can’t do this, not anymore, just please stop, stop, stop...._

He wakes up to the sound of his own screams. Bucky sits up, panting and drenched in cold sweat. It was just a dream. Or more like a memory, but he doesn’t go there. He glances at the clock. It’s 2:30 am. He stands in the shower for over an hour, trying to wash away the fears and memories. It doesn’t work, so eventually, he shuts the water down and stumbles into the kitchen. He would love to drink some vodka now, but he promised Nat that there will be no more drinking, and she got rid of his stash. He won’t be another statistic on the list of alcoholic veterans. He flips through the channels, but all he can see is blood and shooting, so he turns it off, and just sits on the couch starring at the wall. His arm hurts like hell, even though it’s not even there anymore, but phantom pain is a bitch. It was supposed to get better. The pain, the flashbacks, the constant fear. Everyone said that time will heal him, but it’s bullshit. He will never be healed. He is so tired he feels like he could sleep for a week, but he is too afraid to fall asleep because that would mean that the nightmares would be back. So he just sits there, until his phone rings. He doesn’t want to pick it up, but it’s Nat and he knows that she will come here if he doesn’t answer.

“Hi Bucky. I’m just calling to remind you that we agreed to eat brunch together today. You didn’t forget, did you?”

Shit.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. ”

“You forgot. Do you need me to come over, help you get ready? ”

She means kicking his ass until he takes care of his basic human needs, like showering and brushing his teeth. The first months after his rescue if it wasn’t for Nat he probably would have just slowly died from not having enough strength or will do anything, including eating.

“No, I’m okay. See you there. ”

He lets out sight as he looks into the mirror. He can hardly recognize himself, the confident Bucky, who cared about fashion and good looks, the Bucky he was before the war, before his capture. Now he has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is greasy, his beard too long and it’s better not to even mention his skin. He wishes for the hundred time that he could do make”up, that would at least hide part of this grotesque picture. He splashes some cold water in his face and ties his hair up in a bun. That’s as far as it goes, so he quickly puts on jeans and a shirt ( he still struggles with using only one arm to dress up), and heads to the restaurant. Nat is already there, she smiles and waves at him.

“You look like shit. ”

“And you are charming as always. ”

“Did you even sleep? ”

“Yeah, I did. ”

“How much? ”

“Five hours. ”

Nat gives him the look.

“Okay, three. But then I woke up and I just couldn’t fall asleep again. ”

“Was it that nightmare again? ”

“Yes” he swallows hard.

Nat is the only person he can talk about these things. She doesn’t pity him or treats him like he is less of a person because he is missing an arm. She is brutally honest and straightforward, which he always found refreshing.

“I just can’t find anything to do to calm down enough to go back to bed. I tried music, jogging, even listening to ASMR, which I still find more irritating than calming. ”

“What about books? You love reading. I can bring you some. ”

“I can’t concentrate on them. I haven’t read a book since....” he can’t finish that sentence ”Maybe it’s the meds.

“At least you are taking them. Expect for the sleeping pills, it seems. ”

“I want to be able to wake up as fast as possible when those dreams come. ”

“Have you tried audiobooks? ”

“Audiobooks? ”

“Where they read the books out loud for you. It might be easier for you to concentrate if you are not the one reading. ”

“Okay, I’ll give it a try, but let’s talk about something else. How are you and Bruce? ”

When he gets back to his apartment he feels drained just from this short social interaction, so he just lies on to the couch and watches documentaries about things he doesn’t care about. He only gets up to cook some pasta. His phone vibrates around 11’o clock.

 **BlackWidow** : _I have subscribed to an audiobook site for you. This is the link, so try it out. Also, don’t drink any more coffee today, and go to bed in time. You are insufferable when you are tired._

 **WinterSoldier:** _Thanks, mum._

He takes a look at the website, but he feels lost in what to choose, so he just puts his phone away and goes to bed, hoping that maybe today he can sleep more than 3 hours. Well, no such luck. He wakes up screaming around midnight. He really should buy something for his neighbors, they are either saints or deaf for enduring his screams every night. He just sits there for a few minutes, trying to calm down enough to get up. He tries to find a movie to watch, but with no luck. Then he remembers the audiobooks, so he grabs his phone, lies down on the couch, and just randomly selects a book and presses play.

_“Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough and looked don’t”fuck”with”me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and thought himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife. The best thing – in Shadow’s opinion perhaps the only good thing – about being in prison was a feeling of relief._

Bucky found the narrator’s voice very calming ( and a bit sexy, if he was honest). It was a thirty”something guy’s voice, deep and gentle. The combination of a good story and the gorgeous voice quickly pulled him in. And even though the story was interesting, the fatigue overpowered him, and the gentle voice lulled him in sleep. When he woke up the first sunlight was peaking through his window, and the voice was still speaking in his ear. He looked at the clock, and couldn't believe his eyes. 5:42 am. That means almost five hours of undisturbed sleep. That’s a new record. He rewinds the story to where he dozed off and smiles while making coffee. He sends a quick text to Nat.

 **WinterSoldier:** _It worked. Slept like a baby. I owe you._

 **BlackWidow:** Brunch is _on you next time. I’m happy for you._

He looks up the owner of the sexy/calming voice. It says S. Rogers under the file. Huh. During the next weeks, he listens to S. Rogers’s voice every time he is afraid, ridden by nightmares or flashbacks, or too tired to do anything, but still too afraid to sleep. It helps him, to have someone talk to him in a calming, even voice. He sometimes imagines him sitting by his bedside, or next to him on the couch, reading a book aloud. When he falls asleep with him talking he doesn’t feel so alone, so vulnerable. After he is finished with the book he tries to listen to other narrators, but none of them have the same effect on him, so he sticks with S. Rogers. Sometimes he wonders how he looks, what he’s like. If he knows how much he is helping someone. It’s definitely not an obsession, he tells himself. He just likes to listen to him. And, hey, at least he is coping. On Friday he wakes up and has the idea to go to his favorite coffee shop. He hasn’t been since, well since, because it’s way too crowded, and he prefers not to tempt panic attacks. But he is feeling brave today, so he gets up and goes out on the door before he could reconsider. He probably slept more this week than last month in total, and he shaved yesterday, and maybe not everything is totally shitty. He regrets his optimism as he is standing in the long line. The place is too crowded and too loud for his liking. Maybe he should go, but he has been waiting in the line for fifteen minutes, and he is nearly there, so he won’t give up now. He is eying the man in front of him, trying not to stare at his ass. The man is gorgeous, built like a Greek statue, and is way out of Bucky’s league, even before he lost the arm.

“A large latte with extra caramel and whipped cream, please. ”

Bucky freezes. He knows this voice. That can’t be. What are the chances he would run into the voice?

“Name? ”

“Steve. ”

Steve. S. Rogers. Steve Rogers. Even that checks out. And he listened to him so much recently, he is sure it’s him.

“Thanks. ”

He grabbes his coffee and walks away. Bucky doesn’t even think before he leaves the line to follow him.

“Hey, wait! ”

He turns around and smiles at him. Oh God, he is even more gorgeous from the front.

“Yes? ”

Bucky wants to tell him so many things, but he panics. This is a stranger, what will he think about him? What would he even tell him? That you are the only reason I can sleep, and I’ve been imagining that you are in my house so I won’t feel alone? Or that you are gorgeous and I would love to go out with you, but I haven’t dated in forever, and I’m a disaster?

“Nothing. Sorry, I mistook you for someone. ”

The smile vanishes from his face, and Bucky feels like an idiot.

“Oh, okay then. No problem. ”

Steve walks away and he just watches helplessly. He didn’t even get coffee. He curses himself. He is fucked up. Can’t even make a conversation. He ends up buying some cheap lattes from the supermarket and goes to Nat’s workplace.

“What are you doing here? ”

“I brought you coffee. ”

“That’s sweet, but why are you really here? ”

Bucky flops down on the chair and buries his face in his hands.

“I fucked up. I’m fucked up. I feel like I’ll never be normal again, I can’t even do the smallest things, and I embarrassed myself and... ”

“Hey, slow down. Did you do something? ”

“I went to the coffee shop this morning and met this guy. And I recognized him, well his voice. He is the audiobook guy. ”

“Wait, really? Mr. Sexy Voice, the one you have been gushing about? ”

“I wasn’t gushing. And he was there in the flesh, and, god he looks even better than he sounds, and I wanted to say something to him. To thank him for those books, to tell how much it means to me. Or to ask him out. But I panicked and I couldn’t get a word out. ”

Nat leans back in her chair and takes a sip of the coffee.

“Look, it isn’t that bad. We all freeze sometimes. And you went out, and almost asked somebody out, which is an improvement. ”

“Well, if you look at it that way. ”

“Are you coming tonight to Rhodey’s support group? ”

He went once, right after he got out of the hospital. Bunch of veterans, trying to hold their lives together. It was okay at first, but then suddenly he had this terrible panic attack. He hasn’t been back ever since, although Rhodey texts him about it pretty often.

“I don’t think so. ”

“Come on, give it another try. It helped me a lot. You don’t even have to talk, just be there. I’ll go with you. ”

He really doesn’t want to, especially not after this morning, but Natasha can be very convincing, so here he is, in some church’s basement, sitting in a circle. Rhodey is smiling at him, and Bucky is more than annoyed by how happy he is that Bucky came.

“Okay, is everyone here? Then we can start. ”

The door opens with a loud creak.

“Excuse me, is this the support group for veterans? ”

No. This can’t be happening. Maybe once, but twice in one day?!

“Yes, come in. We were just starting. ”

He sits down next to Bucky. When he looks up there is surprise on his face. He flashes a smile at him, but Bucky avoids eye contact.

“Okay so as you see we have two new members, so let’s go around quickly and introduce yourselves and maybe say a few sentences about why are you here, what are your struggles and your strengths. ”

One by one they speak, but Bucky can’t pay attention, because Steve is sitting next to him, so when finally it’s his turn he is unprepared.

“I’m Bucky. I was a prisoner of war for 24 days. I have been rescued almost a year ago, but I still don’t feel like myself. ”

He is surprised he managed to come up with three full sentences. Nat reaches out and squeezes his hand. He can feel the panic rising in his throat, but then Steve speaks up and his voice helps him overcome the panic.

“Hi, I’m Steve. I joined the army when I was only 17, and I served until six months ago. That was the only thing I knew how to do, so now I find it hard to find my place outside the military. To do things without commands. To not panic, whenever I hear gunshots on TV. ”

The whole meeting isn’t as bad as he expected it to be. It feels nice to know that he isn’t alone with his struggles. Afterward, they scatter around the hall, drinking overly sweet tea and chatting.

“You did great. I’m proud of you, Barnes. ”

“Thanks, Nat” he says, but he can’t take his eyes of Steve.

Nat follows his gaze.

“Oh, someone has a crush” she says in a sing”a”song voice,

“No, I mean yes, but that’s not the point. He is the audiobook guy. ”

“Really? You have to talk to him. ”

“Thanks, but I prefer not to make a fool out of myself twice in one day. ”

But Nat grabs his arm and makes her way through the room.

“Nat, stop, please don’t do this. I hate you. ”

“Hey, it's Steve, isn't it? I’m Nat, this is my friend Bucky. ”

Steve’s smile is blinding, and Bucky can’t help but smile back.

“Yes, I think we met this morning. It’s a small word. ”

“He loves listening to your audiobooks. He can’t shut up about them. ”

Steve blushes.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I have to speak with Rhodey about that very important thing. Don’t wait for me, Bucky” she winks at him and disappears.

They stand there, awkwardly.

“I recognized your voice in the coffee shop” says Bucky when he gathers enough courage to speak up ”And I wanted to tell you how much your reading helps me. But I panicked. ”

“And here I thought you wanted to ask me out. ”

“Well, that too. ”

He didn’t mean to say that, but the smile Steve rewards him for it is worth it.

“It’s a bit late for coffee, but I know the best pizza in the city if you still want to. ”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say at first, he hasn’t been on a date in almost two years, and especially not with someone so handsome, but hey, here he is, eating the best pizza in Brooklyn. And Steve makes it so easy to talk. He doesn’t ask about the arm or the war. Instead, he asks about the books he listened to, his favorite color, and how he discovered that Café. Steve talks about his family, his dog, Captain, and why he got into narrating books.

“My mum used to read me when I was sick and stuck in bed. And I was a very sick kid, so I was in bed all the time. I always wanted to read to my kid, too, but till I have one I stick to the internet. ”

Bucky is in the middle of the story about how he met Natasha when Steve reaches across the table.

“You have pizza sauce on your lip. ”

He wipes it away with his thumb, and suddenly Bucky feels like the whole place is unbearably hot. Steve has a hunger in his eyes as he leans towards him and slowly presses his lips against Buckys. His mouth is warm, still tastes like pizza, and damn is he a good kisser. But Bucky doesn’t kiss back, so Steve stops. He already misses feeling his lips on his as Steve sits back.

“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted to. ”

“I did. It’s just this isn’t fair to you. I’m fucked up. I have PTSD, panic attacks, and god knows what else. I can barely take care of myself. Your voice is the only thing that helped me calm down after nightmares, and I can’t drag someone into this mess. ”

“Why don’t you let me decide if I want to be dragged into your mess? ”

Bucky wants to disagree, but Steve’s voice is so honest, so instead, he kisses him.

_Three months later_

“Hey, wake up. ”

He sits up. He is scared for a second that he is back in the dark room, with all that pain, but then there is a hand on his shoulder and a voice that always calms him down.

“Same nightmare? ”

“Yeah” he snuggles closer to Steve.

“What can I do to help? ”

“Just talk to me. I like your voice. ”

**Author's Note:**

> The audiobook Bucky listens to in the begging is Neil Gaiman's wonderful novel, American Gods.


End file.
